My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*