In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)