I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium