*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom