yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever