What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️