Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I mean…but I did
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”