The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My zodiac sign is pistachio
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys