My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
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Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Whisper out to librarians!
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)