Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.