H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
The three genders
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
who called it hell and not heaven’t
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.