If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.