“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair