At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
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Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
every. time.