My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really