[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
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mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
when dads have a rap battle
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.