Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”