Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Well, that didn’t work.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs