Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.