people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone