If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
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Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The Struggle
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up