“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Britain be like
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack