Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
You Might Also Like
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
S/o to @funTweeters .
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on