Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you