@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t know what to do
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.