Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long