I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet