Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers