I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove