If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
this chia pet tastes awful
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Weirdly Wednesday.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.