ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Bike for sale
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world