“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
You Might Also Like
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Lmao
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.