Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
What about second breakfast?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
man i love columbo