Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
These aliens are taking forever.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Don’t we all.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd