Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
When I laugh on my period
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.