me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
You Might Also Like
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is