Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
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*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy