[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?