Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Matt Goss
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
🤣🤣🤣
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court