Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
You Might Also Like
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
yes… yes…
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[eulogy]
line?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat