HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Aight bet
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors