2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.