INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.