Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I put the h in mysterious.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Our lord and savoury.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020