“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I was just discussing this with my cat
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.