Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*