WTF IS AN ACRONYM
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.