a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*