girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!