So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
You Might Also Like
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.